silence

finding self unacceptably impulsive in thought and words. losing the reason for starting a conversation altogether sometimes. i'm feeling forlorn and that's how i feel when i see you sometimes.

perhaps, really...you just don't care enough.
i wonder where did i threaded wrongly.
still wondering what happened along the way.

i should just be silent.

the 8 P's

presentation - first impressions count. "in everything you do, you have to be glamorous" - my former prefect mistress, mdm karen liau

patience - my lost forte. gonna get it back. impulse is not all that good

perseverance - in every hardship there's a silver lining. believe in this.

persistence - do not move away from what you believe, unless your beliefs move away.

praise - in all things, give thanks, for He is good, all the time.

piety - treasure your parents, you only have two. you can find new friends, but you can't find new parents.

perception - it all depends on how you view a situation. you have the choice. don't confine your thoughts to a one way street.

purposeful - everything happens for a reason. make that reason one that impacts another person's life.

my new mission statement. it shall be these for the coming year at least. friends, remind me if i forget or get distracted from these.

Psalm 139

New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

thanks eugene

Yozora no Mukou

"Beyond the Night Sky"

Sung by: Yui & Suga Shikao

Are kara bokutachi wa
Nanika wo shinjite koreta ka naa
Yozora no mukou ni wa
Ashita ga mou matte iru

Because of that, I wonder if
We could believe in something...
Beyond the night sky
Tomorrow is already waiting

Dareka no koe ni ki zuki
Bokura wa mi wo hisometa
Kouen no fensu goshi ni
Yoru no kaze ga fuita

Hearing someone’s voice
We hid ourselves
On the other side of the park fence
As the night wind was blowing

Kimi ga nanika tsutaeyou to
Nigirikaeshita sono te wa
Boku no kokoro no yarakai basho wo
Ima demo mada shime tsukeru

As if you were trying to say something
In the way your hand returned my grasp
In a soft place in my heart
Even now, I still feel it

Are kara bokutachi wa
Nanika wo shinjite koreta ka naa
Mado wo sotto akete miru
Fuyu no kaze no nioi ga shita

Because of that, I wonder if
We could believe in something...
Quietly, I tried to open the door
It smelled of the winter wind

Kanashimi tte itsuka wa
Kiete shimau mono na no ka naa
Tameiki wa sukoshi dake
Shiroku nokotte sugu kieta

Is sadness something
That someday completely disappears?
My sigh, for a short time
Showed white, then vanished

Arukidasu koto sae mo
Ichiichi tamerau kuse ni
Tsumaranai joushiki nado
Tsubuseru to omotteta

Even when I start to walk
I hesitate with each step
I had thought that I could crush
My useless common sense

Kimi ni hanashita kotoba wa
Dore dake nokotte iru no?
Boku no kokoro no ichiban oku de
Karamawari shitsuzukeru

The words that I said to you
How many of them remain?
In the deepest part of my heart
The empty efforts continue

Ano koro no mirai ni
Bokura wa tatte iru no ka naa
Subete ga omou hodo
Umaku wa ikanai mitai da

That time in the future
I wonder if, there, we stand...
It seems that things are
Not going as well as we hoped

Kono mama doko mademo
Hibi wa tsuzuite iku no ka naa
Kumo no nai hoshizora ga
Mado no mukou ni tsuzuiteru

I wonder how far along
This everyday life will continue
The cloudless, starry sky
Will continue past the door

Are kara bokutachi wa
Nanika wo shinjite koreta ka naa
Yozora no mukou ni wa
Mou asu ga matte iru

Because of that, I wonder if
We could believe in something...
Beyond the night sky
Already, the morning is waiting

click here to listen

i am so in love with this song now...definitely becoming one of my all-time favorites. especially with Yui's voice... it's heaven. the song is really beautiful, and i prefer this version of the song ( earlier version sung by SMAP) as it has a string orchestra playing as backup.. and both yui and suga shikao are guitarists.. what more can you ask for in these kind of song that set you into a reflective mood. i think the mood in the song is of a sad one... but hopeful.

i know i need to get over my setbacks. i just can't get myself to do it. am still frustrated with what i've done, or what i could have done better. been happening one too many times. if things aren't going to change for the better i think i'll end up a very cynical person...total opposite of my optimistic self. and i'm losing control...losing patience.... sigh, where are those days when i was proud to call myself a lighthouse - stable, firm foundation, illuminating the lives of others.

feel like i'm hitting a glass ceiling somewhere. not progressing from what i am already now. like stagnating.

glass ceiling... is this becoming a habit?

days feel like darkness sometimes.

scenes from a memory

you know the feeling of wanting something so bad and not getting it?

had it one too many times

it's okay once in a while to get it
it sucks when you get it repeatedly

deja vu (after 2 years)

this very moment... i really REALLY feel like the past year has been nothing but deja vu.

in the past one year (trackback from now), started afresh in a new environment, seeking release from past experiences, trying to discover new pastures, double rejections, then troubled times leading to the same realisations, then trying so hard again and receive triple-consecutive defeats, coupled with occasional ignorance, then academic urgency hitting me in the same time of the year again.

the feeling is disgustingly pathetic. exactly same low 2 years ago. i wonder if i'll pull through (again). i feel like sulking all day, although i hope to heal soon enough (again) to get back to my priorities

The Stadium Arcadium
A mirror to the moon
(Mirror to the moon)
Well I’m forming and I’m warming
(Warming to you)
State of the art until the clouds come crashing
Stranger things have happened both
Before and afternoon
(Before and afternoon)
Well I’m forming
And I’m warming
(Warming to you)
Pushing myself and no I don’t mind asking now

the tune for this song is simply therapeutic. but i hate having to heal myself over and over again.

bongos

took a break for close to half a semester from playing for metro's worship team. feeling distracted, can't focus... feeling like i'm not worshipping God with all my heart if i serve in that mental state.

last sunday, 24th july, i arrived to church just in time for service. surprised. the guy who was filling in for me to play the bongos wasn't around, but the bongos were still set-up - but with nobody playing them.

that sight, that moment when i saw those two bongos sitting quietly in front of the congregation... i felt something in my heart. feels like God calling me back to service. felt like i've not been playing my part... not taking up the opportunity for service that was staring right in front of me.

i turned up at 930am today, panting because i ran to church thinking i was late. smiles greeted me. felt like i've been away for so long. i'm back to action. and it feels so good being in His presence and leading others into it as well.
feeling more confident, because i'm reminded that He has confidence in me.